MATCH 20: JORSH “THE BLUE SAMURAI” HORNET v. “THE MAD BOMBER” DYNAMIC KID

Introduction – Match 1 – Match 2 – Match 3 – Match 4 – Match 5
Match 6 – Match 7 – Match 8 – Match 9 – Match 10 – Match 11
Match 12 – Match 13 – Match 14 – Match 15 – Match 16
Match 17 – Match 18 – Match 19

We’re 20 matches deep, but there’s still much more action to come! TONIGHT – MMA legend, Jorsh Hornet, attempts to sting the explosive Dynamic Kid into submission! Only one man will advance to the next round of the BRIEFCASE CUP! Brought to you by Conono™ – Kilometers Away From Typical!®

VIOLENCE GET! WE ARE ALREADY DEAD!

JORSH HORNET

Jorsh Hornet, FPWR’s judgment-proof facsimile of MMA great, Josh Barnett, dispatched Flash Burton with a brutal capture suplex KO back in Match 7. While the match lasted only 9:03, Hornet absorbed several brutal powerbombs in the process. He’s undeniably a tough customer, but every man has his limits. He’s up against a much smaller foe tonight in the Dynamic Kid, but he just CAN’T be operating at maximum capacity.

They say a bee only gets in one sting before it dies, but don’t sleep on Hornet. He’s been cloned from the DNA of Josh Barnett, one of the baddest men to enter a ring, hexagon, or octagon. Name a shape. Any shape. Josh Barnett has kicked someone’s ass inside of that shape. You dare to doubt me? Fine. Don’t blame me when Josh shows up at your house and kicks your ass while wearing a black diaper.

As you can probably tell, we’re fans of Mr. Barnett here at Subspace Briefcase. That might be why we linked to three highlight videos in his bio. You know he’s a badass. So, instead, please enjoy this video of him fixing a broken nose with two pens.

This man truly is MMA Jesus. Should he lose tonight, he will undoubtedly rise from the dead.

DYNAMIC KID

Dynamic Kid defeated the quite-possibly-racist Curry Mask in one of the more epic matches of Round 1. Though he defeated his spicy nemesis with a German suplex, it took him a whopping 21 minutes! If he’s anything like his real life counterpart, Dynamite Kid, though, he should have plenty gas left in the tank – that guy could GO.

Fun fact – everybody who makes Dynamite Kid tribute videos sets them to sad music. In all likelihood, this is because his hard-hitting style cut his career tragically short, leaving him confined to a wheelchair.

There isn’t much I can say about Dynamite that hasn’t already been said – so I’ll just let Bret Hart say it.

https://youtu.be/ieB7J1-9ZMU

PURE DYNAMITE. So we’ve got two legit asskickers in the ring. A bee may only get one sting, but I haven’t seen a stick of dynamite that can explode twice. Time to get VIOLENT.

LET’S WRESTLING!

All the MMA training in the world won’t prepare you for multiple trips to the… uh… just what is that thing anyway? An exploding strip of cardboard covered with barbed wire? Those giant puffs of baby powder it emits lead me to believe it is probably painful, and also a leading cause of mesothelioma. The Kid hits a dynamic German suplex to pick up the 3-count at 10:10!

NEXT TIME: Star Bison takes on Big G. Bull! That’s STAN HANSEN vs. BRUISER BRODY. BAH GAWD!